No idea what made the difference
I wish I could say I figured out what it was I did differently in my effort to make friends but there’s really nothing.
It’s not perfect. Co-workers are still extremely awkward and whenever I am around them I feel like an outsider.
But it doesn’t hurt as much because I have other people to hang out with and other things to do.
I guess if anything, persistence is key. It took me over a year to get to this point and it literally feels like it changed overnight.
And I couldn’t be more grateful.
Finally feel like my life is making progress
I’m doing what I want and telling people. It’s a process but I at least feel my life changing into what I was wanting it to be.
I just need to be sure to balance it. Because work has been neglected while I focus on my social life.
Going out to stay out of my own head
Been RSVP’ing for meet ups in the hope that staying out will help me feel less like an uninteresting person no one wants to be friends with (yep, thinking of you co-workers).
I am focusing on social things instead of work and staying home things.
Honesty in a Post - When you feel like you’ve been fighting to move forward only to be pulled back to the start
Regardless of it being true, this is how I feel right now. I’m sure if I were to look at it realistically, there are a lot of things in my life that are different in a good way than it was before.
But today I feel like shit.
Today, I feel like despite trying to fight my social anxiety and general shyness and do better, it was all for nothing. Over a year later, I just don’t have any friends in my new town. I fought the doubt and did things that made me so incredibly scared and I am no different than I was a year ago. This was prompted by my discovering today that there are several get-togethers with the people I have been trying to be friends with - of which I am not invited. People newer than me were invited. So I guess it’s just me. I guess I’m not interesting enough or worthy of being friends with.
Next, I feel like my mom just keep trying to pull be back into her web of emotional instability and it’s working. 10 minutes ago, I was sad about being lonely and wishing I hadn’t found out about those meet ups people at work were having. I was thinking about what it is about me that make people lose interest. Why am I so forgettable and easy to ignore? I was not thinking of my mom nor was I even remotely angry at her.
And then I get a text message. A passive-aggressive text message that is just causing me to rage in my mind and yell at her to JUST GET OVER HERSELF! She sent me a message wishing me goodnight and that she guesses I’ve chosen to just hate her the rest of my life.
Internet. My mom and I aren’t fighting. We didn’t have any sort of bad interaction. When she texts me I text back. She says she loves me, I say it too. There is nothing that would indicate I’m mad at her. And that’s why I’m so pissed. Because she does this all the time. She sends me these texts, expecting me to respond back with comfort. Assuring her that I love her. That I’m not mad at her. That she needs to stop living in the past and look forward. All the usual bullshit.
But the truth is Internet. Today is just the wrong fucking day. And I want to tell it to her. I want to send her that blatantly honest text or direct phone call. Getting angry at her for constantly pulling me into her emotional downward spirals whenever she wants. But then that also gives her what she wants. A vindication that she was right all along. I am mad at her and she knew it.
So instead I’m typing a post. Deciding I am tired of being the one always there for her when she can care less about what’s going on with me. Deleted the text so it is out of my view. And just feeling generally crappy about my life.
I just feel like I keep facing the same challenges and not getting any where or getting any stronger. Being left out of those people’s invites, still makes me feel like shit like it did last year. When someone tries to emotionally manipulate me, I still get so effected that I turn to the Internet for release.
I just want to know how to make it better. I am so tired of complaining. But how to I change it? I have no idea how. I feel so stuck.
Which would I regret more, not doing it or doing it?
This is what I ask myself when faced with situations outside of my comfort zone. When I’m unsure whether to take the leap or stay planted.
It doesn’t take away the doubts or the fear. But most of the time it gives me enough of a push to be daring.