but I just couldn’t let myself sleep until I gave myself adequate time to ‘massage’ my mental state.  I kept thinking how desperately I just wanted some time to just do nothing.  Surf the Internet or listen to a song or…something but how I couldn’t because I needed to sleep for work tomorrow.

In the end I decided to give myself the time.  To watch a movie and surf the Internet.  To take a long shower.  Because even though I will surely pay for it tomorrow when my alarm goes off.  At least I feel even the slightest bit better. 

I feel it building like a weight.  Heavier and heavier.  It’s a feeling I know very well from when I would stress about something in school.  Some big exam or some big presentation.  Or in the weeks before starting my job.  The anxiety of the unknown. Of failure.

This is the first time I’ve felt it since graduating and since starting my job.  What unnerves me the most is I can’t place where it’s coming from.  It’s like, an instinctual reaction to something that I can’t see but know is coming.  As strange as that sounds.  Because there is no big presentation.  No deadline.  No great unknown waiting for me when I go in to work on Monday…..So why this feeling?

This feeling of fear and dread.  It is the strangest thing…and I am beginning to feel like I’m losing my grip a little bit.  But again, it’s all over nothing which just adds confusion on top of the other emotions.

If and when I figure it out, I’ll be sure to write about it because I am absolutely baffled.

I resisted my instincts and shut off the Blackberry and left the laptop in the car. 

The work will still be there tomorrow.

only it is only 7:30…I was doing so good adjusting to my work schedule too but these training classes are just throwing me all off.  I’m getting up later and getting off later and just…it ain’t working folks!

Lana del Rey.

I’ve been singing Blue Jeans in my head all day…

you fit me better than my favorite sweater.

Just put in an order for jump rings so that I can take a crack at making my own jewelry.  Not sure how much this hobby will stick, I tend to cycle through them after a relatively short spin.  

I just need something productive to occupy my time outside of work because I’ll have something to show for it.  Watching tv and movies and surfing the Internet all day on the other hand does not…

because she is always talking to me like I’m a sad little thing who never goes out…

I bought myself a car!  2012 Toyota Prius.  Still can’t quite believe it.  And really, the most satisfying thing about it is that I am paying for it myself. 

Standing tall on my own two feet.

well fuck

I was so tired today after work and had the biggest headache that I was powerless to fight off the sleepiness.  After getting home and eating, I threw everything aside and fell asleep. 

It was one of those DEEP exhaustive sleeps too.  Where you wake up confused because you were so immersed.